Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Does Not Exist

Went downstairs to get a smoke. Had my cup of coffee, lit a ciggy and stood along the street. Puffing sm0ke in the air, looking at the people passing by. 

Down the street, I see R walking towards me. R wearing a blue shirt, dark pants and reading glasses, holding an umbrella and puffing smoke in mid-air. 

As R approaches me, I think he’ll stop and say something. We haven’t spoken in months and it’s not because I haven’t tried to get a hold of him. At first, I thought it was because of his schedule; his usual alibi when I ask him out for coffee. After two missed phone calls and no returned e-mail messages, I know something is wrong.

I smile, waiting for him to say something. He walks right past me, as if I don’t even exist. I turn around to make sure if it was really R. It is and was R. He just strolled past, pretending he didn’t pass me. And, it's cold. Ice cold. Add the gloomy weather, I'm just waiting for the rain to pour down on me. Specifically on my spot.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. The pang of rejection from another makes me feel like I don’t even deserve to be acknowledged. I burn inside, not out of anger, but out of a mixture of emotions I can’t put my finger on.

Whatever happened to our past? Whatever happened to the times we spent together? They were good, if incredibly complicated. Still, complications shouldn’t be a deterrent to enjoy the company of another person. No one lives a simple life, and we can’t avoid it no matter how hard we try.

Still, it hurts.

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