Friday, May 23, 2008

Still Here...

"i choose to be happy..."

That’s what I’ve been saying all along for over a year now. Happiness is a decision. We choose to be sad, to be lonely, and to be apathetic. We choose ways how to be happy. We search for it. We succeed. We fail. That is how life puts us on a pedestal: Waiting for us to react on the tomatoes being thrown at us. Do we catch it or let it smash our faces?

I took a step back and checked where my life is right now. Where am I going? What am I doing? I decided that I would like to take stock of what I have created and not created. What I have achieved and not achieved and what needs to be done. Am I at peace with myself? Am I ready to take on the world and seek new challenges? Am I.Maybe I should not be thinking too hard and let the heart do the talking again....

I sometimes hide behind my smiles and silly gestures. I take quick glances while I think eyes cannot see and when I'm done, I turn away before those eyes catch me being me. Eyes and lips, they are like Medusa's stare turning simple things to stone like words that bruise emotion and crush the soul. Keeping things tucked away till they escape in ink upon my paper and then through my fingers via the machine in "0"'s and "1"'s. Yes sometimes, I want to scream so people will notice me for more than my stature and talents, to scream so people will stop their gossiping tongues. You may ask how I managed to hide and not be seen behind my happiness. I have to hide a part of myself that is as much as part of me as my intelligence and my blood.

Amid all the stings and joys of life, I asked myself, “Do I know who I truly am?”

I am the sum of every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute and every second of my own life. Each moment that I breathe is another moment to take in each blessing I received. Through my eyes, my mind takes pictures of everything I see. My ears hear and my mind records. I am the sum of everything that is around me. Life is what I’ve made of it but it’s also a part of the influence about me. My life is what I made it so far.

Through the trials of life, I want to stand strong and grow in stature that I must pass through the trials of fire that we all must pass through. I am not asking for more trials to walk through because I know that more hardships will come before me. But life always put me up on the pedestal. Without them, I cannot be shaped into a better man; my character cannot be made more solid. There is in each refiner's fine, a beauty that touches our lives. Each flame burns away the rough edges and when those fires are quenched I am left a different man. The fires burned away at each rough edge until what was left was, is a glimmer of shiny metal, that now shines above it all. Around me, the heat of flames has been quenched and the pains of the trial have been soothed. If I must pass through again, then I will be stronger still. For being stronger is the only choice that I have left.

But am I happy. In general, I am not.

What am I truly missing? Is it the affection of a one true love? Is it the kindness of people around me who I long for? Or is it not finding who I really am?

I’ve been on a quest since my early teen to find myself to the world. Fear of finding my world collapsing has kept me from announcing what I’ve found to the world, while around me people seem to ignore what I’ve known since twelve. They can’t embrace what, they cannot see. The longer, I sit with fear in my heart. The longer I’ll sit with a wall about me, hiding in its core a part of that needs to breathe, so it be sustained. I have every right to free myself from the clutches of my fear. When I gaze into a mirror, I can see all the pain lying beneath my skin, and it scares me when I look into my own inky darkness. I need to find my way among the shadows that loom out from my trapped soul. Sometimes, it seems that I'll never be free enough to be true to my spirit. Why if the world seems to scream at who I am, do I bother to search for me? Without being whole, I would forever feel lost to myself. My vision of life would never be completed, and it would forever haunt me until the day, that my soul finally shouts "Yes!"

My eyes are heavy from sleep not attained last night. My hearing seems fine expect for at times, the sounds around seem much too loud. My mind seems to be cluttered perhaps for the same reason that my eyes want to close and not open. The words, I write seem to take longer to exit out upon the paper. My thoughts lay scattered across my minds great divide. My mind and hands work so hard to get each letter, each word to flow just so. I just don’t know what part of me is voicing these scattered words today. My heart or my mind, though right now my mind seems empty of any intelligent thought. It’s just the way things go when someone feels lost.

So far, what I want in my life is to be able to just be me. Opportunities come every once in while, but it’s not nearly enough. I would go crazy if, I couldn’t be me.

I often wonder what people are thinking, those that find out about me and those who just think they know about me. Do the people who just think they know about me act differently around me then those who know about me? Do those who think they know about me see me as a threat? I wonder how many people create instant assumptions about me without taking the time to get to know me. Good for them. They already know the totality of who I am while I still search my true identity.

Somewhere between here and there, there sits a bridge that once crossed is gone for good. . There isn't any middle ground between here and there. You're either here or there.

I guess….

I guess I’m still here…

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