Friday, February 29, 2008

Chasing Cars

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

There are songs which are irrevocably linked with joyous moments of our lives. Whether it’s a birth, a wedding, or a celebration of any sort, the combination of music and lyrics has a magical effect on our senses.

But, sometimes they’re bittersweet in their meaning.

Whenever I hear this song, for those few minutes, my heart visits the past. I listen to the song for as long as I can stand, without breaking inside. As it plays, my mind begins to count the memories, hoping the good ones outnumber the bad.

Before the song ends, I press the skip button to change the music. Inevitably, I need to finish the song before it finishes with me. And, I don’t want to hurt, anymore.

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I Don't Think You're Cute

There are some people who are complimented frequently by others. Quite often they are told they’re smart, funny, snappily-dressed, and quite flexible. Or maybe, that’s what they tell me.


There are some compliments I hear that bother me, especially when the person receiving them shouldn’t. When some people are called cute and aren’t, then I know a line has been crossed.

Cute is considered to be an innocent and (possibly) youthful sexiness. It’s not hard and overt, but soft.

Even though cute is subjective, there are some people who are or who aren’t. This bothers me because I don’t think they’re cute. In fact, some of them I think aren’t attractive, at all. Yet, it seems like everyone thinks they are. Is there something I can’t see, and are they really cute? Are they really not cute, and are people just complimenting them because they’re trying to be nice by inflating the other person’s feeling of self worth?

Then again, I shouldn’t talk about it because I have been called cute and I’m sure there are a hell of a lot of people who think differently.

Still, if Matt Damon can be called cute even though he resembles someone who was smacked with a case of Down Syndrome up side the head, then I know cute has lost all value as a word.

Friday, February 22, 2008

I Vow

Blogging on the internet is like shouting into a water well. Although it echoes, you can never tell if you're being heard on the other end. Like my being single (as if I have a choice not-to-be-single). You know...waiting for that someone (some people call them “the one”) and all...talking about echoes and wells and stuff...only to make a point that this part in everyone's life (being single and whatnot) is what I call a macrocosmic awkwardness in the conversation of life. As you grow wiser and more comfortable with who you are, awkward silences eventually outgrow feelings of dread. And therefore one is no longer compelled to stuff it with pointless blabber (like what most of us do on dates). So suddenly thinking that it is better for me to wait patiently than be with someone I wouldn't like anyway, I decided to have a full time occupation while I'm at it. I’m a full time single guy. Haha!

It’s not too late to make resolutions. I’m making 8 resolutions or shall I say 8 vows for 2008…

1. I vow not to waste my time on things that "seem important" (e.g take my MBA because "it seems important" or brush my hair 100 times a day because it "seems important")

2. Having mentioned number one, I vow to spend my time on things that are important. (e.g family, work, my life's purpose and my health)

3. I vow to spend money only on things I really need and to take joy in simply looking at pretty things I don't need. (e.g candies and cakes diet).

4. I vow to take full responsibility for my face. Hence, I will only frown at things that really need frowning at (like people who MUST NOT WEAR skinny jeans and people who barely knows what good fashion is) and take time to consider things I never thought were worth smiling for (like banana flambe that tastes like kerosene or eating yellow paper (at least i know what they taste like)) btw, brown paper tastes better.

5. I vow to internalize that success is a journey and not an end. Hence, now is not too early to declare that I am successful.. and that everyday is a chance to feel successful. (no punchline there, sorry..).

6. I vow to overlearn that happiness is not the moving bunny in a horse race nor the star at the top of your christmas tree nor feeling high at around 3am. Happiness is ..the muscles of your abs. (you may have not felt it yet but believe me, it's there- it's inside of you).

7. I vow not to commit to anything that doesn't give me a reason to wake up cheerfully the next morning...or noon...or afternoon..(if you consider late night parties).(e.g sleeping gives you a reason to wake up cheerfully the next morning therefore, I will commit to that..also, love, hope and world peace, seriously).

8. Finally, I vow not to make a career of something just because I am good at it. It has to be something I am good at, something which I enjoy doing and something my life's experiences has prepared me to do (something that involves a stage, a microphone, and dim lighting). I’ve worked for a lot of companies and I realized that it is better if you really like the job and not just the salary that goes with it. Believe me, money is not everything.

I really wish anyone who reads this would learn a thing or two from the echoing of my brain into this deep deep well. But if not...I'd still feel like a success. Well as far as I know, not everyone would try to eat yellow paper just to know what it tastes like.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Screw You

Would you screw someone over just to get ahead? Would I screw someone over just to get ahead? How can anyone use someone to get ahead? Is the world really about jabbing someone in the back? It is really sort of sad. I’m sure it’s more common then I like to think. Actually, I hope it’s not all that common. Everyone should get by on their own merits. Yes? No?

How ethical is it to place misfortune on someone else? You shouldn’t make someone else look bad just to make yourself look better. There is no reason to drag someone down for no reason. I believe those who screw people over will eventually face karma. Shouldn’t we get by on our own merits?

Yes, we should be able to get ahead without knocking someone else.

This post represents my random thoughts on the subject. I think it is very sad indeed. The whole idea of using someone else to just plain sad. It’s wrong. In friendship, in business or no business. Wrong. Period. End of this discussion.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Just Because

Singlehood. Why did I think it was a good idea to take this path? I am doing something different. I was putting myself out there. Therefore, I cannot be blamed for being single. I took a chance, I ran at the risk and while it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, it made me realize: it just isn’t going to happen this way. I am not an easy way out kind of guy. I know now that things don’t come easily to me, and that this is just my fate. My cards have been dealt; it is up to me to know when to fold them, know when to hold them, know when to walk away and know when to win.

This path is not falling in love. It is finding a good enough candidate and forcing it to happen. It is having expectations – already planning out what you will and will not tell the other person. There is no other reason to be there, other than to hopefully cash out a winner.

I cannot take this path because it goes against everything I am. Jumping into a frigid body of water, and flailing around is not my style. Beyond taking risks, I never show my true colors until I know the water is warm. I never jump in, and not for fear of drowning, but it takes time for me to be drawn out, or drawn in. One never knows my true colors upon initial meeting, not after a few drinks, not after warnings about wrong impressions. You absolutely cannot rush me; I take my time.

Putting a profile on a website declaring who I am and what I want is everything I am not. I might wear shirts that bark snarky comments, but despite you perhaps knowing my shoe size and my affinity for sarcasm, you really still know nothing about me. It takes time; months even, to see me. To know me. Who I really am as the wolf inside the sheep. No profile that only allows me only 2000 words is going to properly convey who I am. To anyone.

It is not common knowledge that I like to smack people in the face when things get heated. But I dare not to do anything over things childish. No one knows that a gnashing of teeth on my earlobe sends me into a tailspin or that I like it when it hurts. When people discover such things they often follow up with a shocked, “Why are you single?” Because I don’t advertise, or broadcast what turns me on. And when I display kindness, thoughtfulness, or love they wonder even further how I escaped being snapped up.

I do not wear my heart on my sleeve or my story on my surface. I traveled the path of least resistance because I wanted to put an end to the endless barrage of questions. I wanted someone to love, without having to consider if my love was wanted or reciprocated. I do not want to be standing alone in a sea of couples during the holidays, during Valentine’s day, because then, then everything that is wrong with your life is glaring, too apparent, and hard to swallow. When all you see is the perfect in others, the flaw in you is too obvious. I do not want to have someone to make somebody else comfortable. I do not want to have to have someone to fit in.

It is not a compliment when people ask why you are single, and then list all the reasons you should not be. Being single when you do not want to be is hard enough, but then to deal with sideways glances, build-ups that lead to let downs is too much to bear. Being made to feel inadequate because you need someone to be someone is pathetic. I am an entire person by myself.

Love is not going to come to me over a broadband connection. It is almost as unlikely as being a Bachelor. I do not know much about where my life is headed; I have ideas, dreams, and goals, but there is one thing I know is true.

I will only find love when it is already a part of my life.