Actually, it's my Grandmother's 70th birthday celebration, this coming Saturday. I love parties but I really don't like partying with my cousins and relatives. Too many questions being asked. Too much gossiping. A large amount of small talk will be involved. Need to prep my self up.
Not only do I dislike small talk, it actually makes me nervous. I am not the wallflower type but sober conversation for the sake of sober conversation, with people I would never encounter in day-to-day life, confuses me. And so, being somewhat neurotic, I began compiling a conversational cheat sheet of inoffensive topics/questions/stories.
1. Weather. Variations on the the it’s So Hard To Find Clothes to Wear For This Time Of Year. Segue into the inaccuracies of the weather channel.
2. Cooking. “Do you like to cook?” If yes, prod for recipes, if no, exchange cooking disaster stories. I have one. Again, small talk.
3. Commuting/Air travel. “Did you have trouble getting here?” “Air travel is very unreliable.” “Was your flight delayed? Cancelled?”
4. Movies. “You saw _______? I was thinking of seeing it. How was it?” Repeat as necessary.
5. Books. “I’m reading _______. It’s really interesting. It’s about ___________.” Repeat as necessary.
6. Babies. “Do you have pictures? I love babies. Ohhhhhh…he is adorable.” Maintain rapt attention while listening to the story of Baby’s First Poop and The Other Day Baby Said “Boohoo”.
7. Advice. “What do you know about _____?” Maintain wide-eyed expression while listening to long, garbling, most likely incorrect explanation of basic phenomenon.
Then when the uncomfortable silence comes, which it always does, I must remember to maintain a pleasant expression and, at the end of the night, express what a wonderful time I have had.
What is scary is that some people really do enjoy these types of things. I don't. I just want to dance and drink. But the party that we're throwing are for grannies. Ayayayay!
Aside from small talk, my cousins/relatives would be asking me these questions:
1. Do you have a girlfriend? <-- No. I plan to get rich and buy my own country first.
2. Are you hiring? <-- Do I look like I'm from HR?
3. Wow you're rich? <-- You won't see me in this country if I'm rich
4. Why are you wearing pink? <-- Actually, i decided to change my clothes from Pink to Green. Just to avoid this question.
5. When will you get married? <-- I've seen screwed up marriages so why bother
6. Don't you want kids? <-- There's a thing called adaption
7. Hey, can i borrow moner? <-- Hey, why don't you look for a job!
Oh my, i'm half-excited! I mean, bitching all night long with people... okay... relatives that you won't see til; next reunion or till the next big family related party.