Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Coming Hard

If you build it, they will come...
-Field of Dreams

Now, not many have a Hollywood version of destiny. We don't have the booming timbre of Darth Vader to gently force us to live our lives. This is reality. And, with reality, you have to build many fields before something happens.

Although, it's not only about fields.

How many bad dates do you have to go on before you find the love of your life? How many times do you have to purge before you can fit into that pair of pants for your friend's party on the weekend? How many? How much? How?

You keep on thinking it's going to come, but it doesn't. Then, you think it's going to come again, but it doesn't. Over and over. A repetitious and vicious cycle of ups and downs.

And, when it does come, it's short and rather anticlimactic. No fireworks. No cigarette.

Countless times I've come over the past several years. So many times that I have no juice left. Parched. Dehydrated. Powder. Dry.

It's exhausting.

Still, my fields get razed and rebuilt, time and time again, hoping that my time will come. There will be no waiting by the waves of gold, expecting a voice to whisper my destiny to me.

And, when my times does come, I'm coming hard.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Wonders Of Texting

I almost forgot about G this week. Somewhat busy at work, planning stuff, etc.

Browsing at my phone contacts, I saw G's name. To text or not to text.

Well, I managed to gather all my courage and actually typed up a message and texted it over to G. Started with the basic, "How's your day so far?" G replied and we exchanged a few more messages.

Will we meet up tonight? Well... NO - I didn't expect to go out tonight but agreed that we should meet up soon! With friends of course. This weekend I hope.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Does Not Exist

Went downstairs to get a smoke. Had my cup of coffee, lit a ciggy and stood along the street. Puffing sm0ke in the air, looking at the people passing by. 

Down the street, I see R walking towards me. R wearing a blue shirt, dark pants and reading glasses, holding an umbrella and puffing smoke in mid-air. 

As R approaches me, I think he’ll stop and say something. We haven’t spoken in months and it’s not because I haven’t tried to get a hold of him. At first, I thought it was because of his schedule; his usual alibi when I ask him out for coffee. After two missed phone calls and no returned e-mail messages, I know something is wrong.

I smile, waiting for him to say something. He walks right past me, as if I don’t even exist. I turn around to make sure if it was really R. It is and was R. He just strolled past, pretending he didn’t pass me. And, it's cold. Ice cold. Add the gloomy weather, I'm just waiting for the rain to pour down on me. Specifically on my spot.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. The pang of rejection from another makes me feel like I don’t even deserve to be acknowledged. I burn inside, not out of anger, but out of a mixture of emotions I can’t put my finger on.

Whatever happened to our past? Whatever happened to the times we spent together? They were good, if incredibly complicated. Still, complications shouldn’t be a deterrent to enjoy the company of another person. No one lives a simple life, and we can’t avoid it no matter how hard we try.

Still, it hurts.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Larvatious Indeed

Drive boy dog boy
Dirty numb angel boy
In the doorway boy
She was a lipstick boy
She was a beautiful boy
And tears boy
And all in your inner space boy
He had hand girls boy
And steel boy
He had chemicals boy
I've grown so close to you boy
And you just groan boy
She said come over come over
She smiled at you boy

Some tracks for tonight... love the new mix of Born Slippy by Underworld (Joe K vs Beto Dias Remix) which has a sour candy electro feel. Of course... I have to sing-a-long... Naman... As besty calls it... Larvatious!

Underworld - Born Slippy 2008 (Joe K vs Beto Dias Remix)

D'Azoo at Night - Tango in Tokyo (Extended Mix)

King Amir - The Whistle (Extended Mix)

Rune RK - Put Your Hands Up for Copenhagen (Trentemoller Remix)

Afrojack The Partysquad - Drop Down Do My Dance

Benny Royal & Ludaphunk - Dance Electric (Original Mix)

Lykke Li - Dance, Dance, Dance (Dada Life Guerilla Fart #4)

Blake Jarrell - The Drugs (Rene Amesz Remix)

TV Rock - Been A Long Time (Axwell Remode)

Sander van Doorn - Apple (Bart B More Remix)


When you pull a book off a shelf, crack open its spine, and begin to flip through the pages, you expect the story to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Only sometimes, the final chapter is missing and you don’t know how the damn thing ends.

Unresolved relationships, open-ended events, issues long forgotten can be like those missing pages, and I am someone who needs to know what happens.

I need some closure on some stories that happened from the past.

Instead of wallowing in doubt (Was it me? What did I do?), I whip up a satisfactory denouement to tie up any loose ends.

It’s a cop-out to think of yourself as the hero, and the other party as the villain. There is no good and bad. Everyone is equally complicated. There are no extenuating circumstances (although they help with melodramas), and the basic story is kept simple.

Hopefully, it all ends well, even if there are no happy endings. I hope to close some chapters in my book. Maybe not everything. But I have to start.

Sometimes closure must be created on the page, read and accepted to help shut the book close, and placed back on the shelf.

It Pays To Be Evil Sometimes

Nice people have a difficult reputation to live up to because they are never allowed to be anything other than pleasant. If they have one bad day, it's all changed. Sometimes, being too nice will get you into more trouble.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth being nice all the time. When I’m nice, things are great for everyone involved:

I write them a note or send them SMS when they’re not feeling well. I call them so they know they’re being thought about. I try to put a smile on their faces. I make them feel like they’re cared for and someone is thinking about them.

That’s what I do when I care about someone.

But then, sometimes, it seems that my efforts are not that appreciated. When I try to be selfish aka spend some time for myself, I look overly apathetic. When it's my time to share my own stories and issues, it is as if I'm dismissed.

That is why these days, I try to become that apathetic person and be that walking bastard,at least when you’re an asshole, no one has high expectations. And, I don’t need that kind of stress in my life.

Why should I bother to care when it’s so much easier being evil?

Friday, September 12, 2008

Poker Love

The cards have been dealt and the other player has placed their bet. You’ve placed your own. Two sets of poker faces are staring at each other. It’s time to show your hand, but you don’t. First, you take stock of possible outcomes.

Since bluffing isn't allowed in this game, you have two options: fold them, or hold them. If you quit, you may not have anything to gain. If you don't quit, you may not have anything to lose.

Sometimes your hand isn’t the greatest, but it’s just enough to take the prize. Other times, you’re not so lucky.

The fingers on your hand begin to quiver and small beads of sweat form around your hairline. The stress is showing. You know what you can offer and you want to show your hand.

But you don’t, fearing that it’s not enough to win. You admit defeat.

Your ace of hearts is protected, and don’t show it to the other player.

In the end, you don’t want to lose. But, sometimes you have to.

Friday, August 29, 2008

The End

I know my place now. I know the end of the story.

The story might have different plots and twists. But I know the ending.

It is very predictable.

I always end up as a friend. Just a friend. Nothing more.

Cheers to my eternal singlehood.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Flirts are teases without the touching

Even though the dictionary describes flirting as the act of courting triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions, I don’t particularly enjoy it. It’s fine for about five seconds, but I stop at second six. Why? It isn’t beneficial for various reasons.

The first reason is because flirting is done as a means to get something out of someone else; a reaction, mostly. When I want something from someone, I ask for it. I don’t play games, or act coy. Impatience has taught me that a little too well.

The second reason is that I really don’t like is when the other person doesn’t stop… and then you start to get the wrong impression. And, that impression always leads you down the one path that the cynic in you doesn’t want. Do they like me? Why else would they be acting that way if they didn’t? But, if they’re flirting, then does that mean they don’t really like me and are just playing a game?

Of course, I’d rather know to save me from any potential heartbreak, but a part of me wants to keep believing they really like me because that thought is what keeps hope alive.

Not aside from flirting, there's this phenomena I want to call "Eye Fucking." Geez. Just get over it and have a good hump!